And when I look back..

Life is like a book: what matters is how good it is, not how long it is.

All my life I was the little Alice in wonderland, falling down the rabbit hole hesitantly towards one adventure after the other.. living the reality out of my twisted imagination..

Today I feel, maybe I am just the queen of hearts..

Who liked to celebrate her birthday backwards.

The Excess Baggage

Packing has always been a painful experience for me. Somehow my judgment of things is just not as critical as my judgment of people.. If packing was a trade, I would certainly be at the topmost level, of sucking at it.. for there's a thin line between the stuff that you want in your life and the stuff that you actually need..

And I just keep losing track of which side I am on.. Cause for me, what I want.. is what I need... So what if it's just for the sense of assurance that it's right there within reach if ever I need it..

So when today I sat out to pack for my trip back home, the memories of my last very sad visit to the airport came back haunting me and it got me thinking.. How much of your life can you pack.. in 20kgs?? Few clothes, basic necessities, a good pair of shoes.. is all that you need to carry, from your past? And is it all that you want?

There's been a joke in my family about me being a junkie.. quite in a literal sense for my inclination towards turning every place I go to into a Junkyard. There was a time I would pick up every interesting looking thing from all over the roads and put it carefully in my own kingdom of dump collection. Later it was books, articles, newspaper cut outs that I would never read again.. Letters, Gifts & Cards from people I would never meet again.. Clothes & shoes that I would never wear again..

And then there was time I had to leave home & everything behind to live my life out of a 20 kg luggage. And in no time this 20 would turn into 60 and I would be standing on crossroads of a dilemma- what to take & what to leave?

And then I learnt my first important lesson.. there's nothing you can hold on to forever.. Some day you have to let go.. Dispose of certain things to make room for others..

Seven years later.. I can not help but wonder if there's a 20 kg limit applicable to people in your life too? Is it true that when you are going to a new place, not only you pack your stuff.. but you try to pack people as well.. the ones you want to stay with you forever? And like we keep accumulating stuff over the years behind that closet, do we also accumulate the carcasses of our relationships, the memories of good times & the bad times behind a little corner in our minds..? And at what point in your life, does it cross the limit of allowed baggage? And what exorbitant price if you may, would you have to pay.. for the excess baggage??

I might never know the answers to these questions..

I might never know when to stop buying stuff I do not need or to stop loving people that are not there anymore..

I might never know if accepting the truth was a right thing to do.. or should I have fought harder..

I might never know when will I stop hoping.. or if I have already stopped..

But what I know is.. Life is not that bad... And even when nothing we would ever achieve would be able to replace what we have lost along the way.. the friends, the confidantes, long phone calls, late night chats, tears & laughter, lucky mugs,  wit & humor, curiosity, compassion, ability to love, or that feeling of trust and belonging...  We still have the capacity to be happy with our own selves and our 20 kgs of baggage.. for good things are waiting to happen to all of us.. We just have to make room for them.

And clear out the excess baggage..

Pain..

I'm not good at writing about pain. I'm not good at reading about it either. Yet, it's just pain that I feel these days. And I'm tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for that perfect idea that would transform into a perfect piece of writing to give me that creative satisfaction which I so wrongly long for. Tired of keeping myself busy with all the things that don't matter. Tired of these tiny notches of useless thoughts clouding my mind all day and vanishing just the moment I sit to write, to have me wildly searching for anything.. any word.. any damn thing.. Like now.. Like everytime I try to write..

I'm yet to encounter a feeling more painful than repeatedly trying to succeed at something and failing. Of course there's one at nights when you feel your life is going nowhere. One where you so desperately want to speak to someone and have nobody to call. One where you feel so terribly alone and inconsequential to this world. The one where you are desperately trying to hold onto things which are slipping by in front of you knowing very well there's nothing you can do about it.. One where you muster the courage to give something your best shot only to see it falling to pieces, making you feel like a loser. And the one where you are lying in your bed tightly hugging your pillow hoping that someone would come and hug you just as hard and for a moment all this would stop mattering.

This one moment when you don't want to fight anymore.. you just want to be, saved.

It's time.

Yes. The time has come.
I am going to write again.

The God's little Angel...

She opened her eyes
to a world of fairies,
dancing mermaids and
never ending magic..
Pure and innocent..
She was God's little Angel.

She sailed across the seas
playing with dolphins,
making castles in the sand and
marking her territory..
Ever exuberant..
She was God's little Angel.

She made friends out of strangers
with her delightful smile,
leaving them overjoyed and
enamored with her innocence..
lovingly flamboyant..
She was God's little Angel.

She was met instead with a
world of unkindness,
which broke her heart and
laughed at its pieces..
Aching to be loved..
She was God's little Angel.

She shed many an unseen tears
over her shattered dreams,
But she embellished in her pain and
wrote beautiful poetry..
aloof yet alluring..
She was God's little Angel.

She sure wasn't the kind
to drown in self pity,
who could give up on life and
kill the love she had inside..
knowing and determined..
She was God's little Angel.

So she gathered her clipped wings
tended them with care,
Lifted her chin up and
slowly started to fly again..
scared yet impassioned..
She was God's little Angel.

And now she still spreads love
wherever she goes,
rubbing off her charm on others and
touching lives of everyone..
She sure has a magic wand..
For she is God's little Angel.

For Umang, on her Birthday.

The demons within..

Of all the challenges life throws your way,
of all the fights you'll ever be in..
The ones you'll have with your own self,
are going to be the hardest to win..

For there are times when it's not the world..
piercing your soul with its ruthless eyes..
It's when you seem worthless to your own self,
that a thousand tears your heart cries..

Those days when everything seems to go wrong..
forcing you to question your might..
How is it when your own reflection tells you,
You are not good enough, not bright..

The times when it's you pulling yourself down..
deliberately holding onto your pain..
When you decide not to take the next step,
scared that you might fall again..

Tell me, what are you going to do..
When you turn out to be your biggest foe?
You might run away from the whole world but,
how far from yourself will you be able to go?

The despair which sets in,
like a ferocious beast out on prowl..
Feeding on shattered pieces of your spirit,
Priding itself on a murder most foul..

If only we could kill just as easily,
the demons dwelling in our heads..
The way our parents shoved away,
the ghosts hidden under our beds..

Happy Valentine's Day!

When love is real.. and hearts are true..
Every day becomes valentine's for you.. no? ;)

I do not believe in these celebrations.. but still.. I do believe in love of those who do..


So, to those.. who are in love...
and to those, who once were..
To those.. who believe in love..
and to those who do not..
To those.. who are expecting flowers & chocolates at their doorsteps..
and to those.. who will be paying for them.. :D
To those.. who are unsure of their feelings..
and to those.. who are scared of letting these feelings known..
To those.. who have a special someone..
and to those.. who do not..
To those.. who want to have their love last forever..
and to those.. who had it once and lost..
To those.. who'll be having candle lit dinners tonight..
and to those.. who'll be watching romantic flicks on their couches.. alone.. ;) :D
To those.. who'll be celebrating their commitment today..
and to those.. who'll enter one..
To those.. who'll send each other dark red cards.. :D
and to those.. who'll hide their love notes under their pillows.. ;)
To those.. who are waiting for someone special to come along..
and to those.. who are scared of being loved..
To those.. who'll be together walking hand in hand..
and to those.. who'll be connected only through their feelings..

Here's wishing you all, a Very Happy Valentine's Day..

And for the rest... Time for us to treat ourselves..
To give ourselves a gift, no one else could give us..
"Let's begin.. to love ourselves, before anyone else.."